LoZ Snapshots
by xxxAceBlade
Summary: A collection of random thoughts from Twilight Princess. Includes an extremely long and random author's note at the end. Warning: This stupidity is not for the faint of heart.
1. Chapter 1

LoZ Snapshots

**A/N Okay, so this is inspired by several different fics, which I will avoid ripping off. Enough said.**

1. Balrog

Link slowly crept into the final room in the Goron mines. Sitting in the near darkness was a terrifying figure which rose up, breaking its bonds and lighting on fire.

"That's lame! You're just a ripoff of the balrog in Lord of the Rings!"

The Igniter advanced forward. "Link, do something.." Midna warned.

"YOU SHALL NOT PASS!" Link screamed as he slammed his sword down into the ground.

A second later: "Hey! Balrogs aren't supposed to breathe fire!"

**A/N Okay, that's kind of a stretch…**

2. After the War

Zelda stood in front of a gathering of the people of Hyrule. "I present to you your hero of ages: Link!" The crowd went wild.

Several hours later during a private walk down one of the garden paths.

"Zelda?"

"Yes, Link?"

"There's been something I've been wanting to tell you…"

"Yes?" Zelda said hopefully.

Link turned to her. "Do you know how WHITE that dress makes you look?"

**A/N Its true! And all you ZeLink fans know it!**

3. The Ultimate Weed-whacker

As he approached the acid lake in the boss room of the Faron Temple, Link stared at the item in his hands.

"What exactly is this weed-whacker supposed to do?"

The lake erupted, revealing the Twilight Parasite!

"HOLY $#*! That's the biggest dandelion I've ever seen!"

4. Where to aim

Staring at the boss in the mines, Link frowned. "Now where should I aim?"

"Psst!" Midna said. "The obvious glowing thing on its head."

"No," Link said, shaking his head. "Headshots are too uncertain. Better to go for a body shot. Definitely the body shot." He nodded as he took aim.

Midna groaned, placing her head in her hands.

5. Six seconds in the mind of a bird

"Ahh," Rusl sighed as he reclined on his couch after a long day of sword training with Link. "That hits the spot." He sipped his tea gratefully.

The door flew open with a bang.

"Rusl, you won't believe this! I was beating up one of the cucoos out there, and I POSSESSED ITS SOUL! For like a whole six seconds! It was AWESOME!"

6. After the Lakebed Temple

"OH YEAH! I TOTALLY OWNED THAT TEMPLE! I'M TOTALLY GONNA OWN ZANT! HAHAHAHAHAHA!" Link turned around and crashed into the armored figure.

"Hey, watch where you're standing–ohcrapitszant!"

Link leapt to his feet. "Fused Shadows: Activate!"

Nothing happened.

Zant looked at the fused shadows. "What is this garbage?" He said as he tossed three dungeons of hard work away. "You thought that could beat me?" Bitchslap!

Link got owned.

7. Iron boots

"Fear mah boots!" Link hollered at the advancing Goron. "They add a whole…thirty pounds to my weight."

The Goron got closer.

"Oh shit, that's not as big a difference as I thought…"

8. Accepting donations

"Hey Link, you should donate so that we can open up a store in Castle Town. Help us free the people there from high prices."

"Why the hell should I help them?"

"Well…"

"First they just let Zant walk all over them, then they scream and run whenever I turn into a wolf, then they kick back and do NOTHING while I run around saving their princess over and over and over and over and over again. Really, it's annoying as hell; I do all this work and they won't even give me a damn rupee in return. No, instead they constantly ask me for money; they're a bunch of useless, greedy bastards. None of the women ever swoon over the sexy hero in their midst, the only adulation I ever get is from collecting a bunch of glowing balls in a cage, although that was hard enough. And the worst part was that the girl in that group wasn't even old enough to screw. It's an unfair, capitalist society. They have NO GODDAMN RESPECT!"

"okay…"

**A/N Don't you ever feel underappreciated in the games?**

9. Boss room in the water temple

"Link, what are you doing?" Midna looked curiously at Link, who was sitting on the edge of the hole leading down to the boss room.

"Putting on my iron boots."

"…why?"

"Because the map says there's something right below me, and I'm gonna SMASH that son-of-a-bitch!"

**A/N I actually tried this. It didn't do anything spectacular…**

**A/N And to finish things off…**

10. People come from apes

Looking across the gulf separating him and the butt-slapping monkey, Link cursed colorfully.

"Fuck you, Darwin."

**A/N Okay, so I'm looking at trying to make 100 of these snapshots. I need ideas though. I may be incredibly brilliant (cough…bullshit…cough) but even my intellect is not up to such a task. So if you guys don't want these to get lame really fast, I'd suggest you review. Also, if you do not review, I will set my minions upon you. And once I have captured you, I will POSSESS YOUR SOUL. **

**On that note, let's end with a few lines from All That Remains:**

**When I turn inward,**

**And look for strength within myself**

**And demonstrations**

**Of courage are the result,**

**If inspiration**

**Is wholly shared than mores the gain,**

**And I will follow**

**The selfless actions displayed.**

**-Chiron, by All That Remains**

**Not sure that that was really relevant, but I like the song and I'm just trying to hit the one thousand word mark. I never read fics with less than a thousand words per chapter, so I don't expect anyone else to either. However, with my fics, you may be wasting your time anyway. Seriously, go do something with your life. You'd be much better off reading ZeLink lemons. **

**By the way, could someone answer a question of mine? What is the difference between a lemon and a lime? I've always wondered. And don't say that one is green and the other's yellow. I hate stupidly obvious answers like that. Its stupid. **

"**This" is the thousandth word in my fic, but I'm gonna be a dick and keep rambling. Anyone still reading had mental problems…**

**By the way, for all you shipping whores out there, what do you think of pairing Ashei and Link together? At least, I think that Ashei is the girl you meet at Snowpeak… She's one of the group that meets at Telma's bar. She's not a bad looker, and she's way more Link's kinda girl than Zelda or Malon. As a matter of fact, its my new favorite pairing. Zelda's too white and Malon is a freaking farm girl.**

**By the way, I would just like to make it clear that I'm a completely straight guy. Don't know why I felt the need to say that. **

**Damn, talk about a really long author's note, maybe I should keep going…**

**I see her in my dreams,**

**Wish that she wasn't there,**

**But she still haunts me and I,**

**Still feel her breath on my,**

**Still want to taste her skin,**

**But I know that would kill me,**

**No! Damn her, still I**

**Choke on her lies, still reeling**

**From her last caress her goodbye.**

**Oh how this sickens me,**

**This wretched fool's affair,**

**I can't erase this from me,**

**And now it permeates,**

**And every though I feel,**

**The anger writhes in my soul.**

**-Six, by All That Remains**

**I would just like to say that I don't own Legend of Zelda or All That Remains. Please don't sue me Phil Labonte, I love you…in a manly sort of way…and I'm not talking about soap on the bathroom floor…Seriously, have you ever tried picking that up with your feet; it doesn't work.**

**For those of you who don't know, Phil Labonte is the lead singer of All That Remains, the most AWESOME BAND IN THE WORLD. **

**Holy shit, its eleven thirty and I have to get up at six tomorrow. **

**Goddammit.**

**GO ACES!**

**P.M. me if you got that…**


	2. Chapter 2: Shot 1120

LoZ Snapshots

**A/N Okay, so I'll try not to torture you guys with a 500 word author's note. Instead, I'll do twenty of the snapshots, so this might be kind of longish.**

11. It's not over yet

With a whoop, Link drove his sword through Ganon, pinning him to the ground.

Back-flipping away, he posed for the princess. Then looked in shock as a thoroughly dead Ganondorf stood up, the master sword sticking out of his back. Standing up straight, he glared at Link.

"This…isn't over yet…" He panted.

A long pause.

Ganondorf drew himself up taller. "The history of light and shadow will be written in blood!"

Another long pause…that grew even longer.

One minute passed.

Two minutes passed.

Still Ganondorf stood there panting.

Another minute passed. Link started to clean his nails.

Finally, after ten minutes of silence, Link looked up.

_Crack! _ Ganon's neck snapped to the side.

Link winced. "Talk about a pain in the neck."

Then. "Why is he still standing?"

12. The final parting

"Link…" Midna said softly. A tear appeared in the corner of her eye. It slowly drifted over to the mirror. Cracks spider webbed through the mirror, shattering it into a million pieces as Midna vanished back into the Twilight Realm.

Zelda watched Link with concern. Tears were running down his face as he sat down morosely.

She kneeled next to him. "Link, it's okay." She said, putting her hand on his shoulder. "I'm sure she'll remember you."

Link looked up at her with red-rimmed eyes. "How am I supposed to finish my golden bugs collection if she can't warp me around?"

13. Fire hazard

Link stared at the figure rising up out of the ground. With a roar backed by crappy music, the Igniter burst into flames.

Link screamed. "STOP, DROP, AND ROLL MAN!"

14. Rewind

Link stared at the Hyrule Palace in front of him, an expression of horror on his face.

He fell to his knees. "Why?" He wailed.

"Why is it that every time I beat the damn thing I have to stare at a bunch of names and then be sent back to do it all over again! And the ending scene doesn't even give me a good view of Midna's rack!"

15. Ten things I will not do:

1) I will not attempt to look up Zelda's dress as she flies over me in the boss fight.

2) A chainsaw is not an appropriate weapon to use in the Faron Woods.

3) I will not threaten little children with 'death by wooden sword'.

4) I will stop asking Zant about his career as a ballerina.

5) The hot spring at Mount Doom is not a good place to pick up chicks.

6) So I will stop telling tourists that it is.

7) Zant is getting very tired of the 'Twilight Zone' jokes.

8) There is nothing creepy about being paid to collect golden bugs for a little girl.

9) The spirits are getting really tired of me skinny dipping in their springs.

10) Ganondorf's sword is not compensating for something.

16. Demon Yela

"Mirror is in room just up there. Come now." Slowly, the Yeti began shuffling up towards the room.

And shuffled some more.

And some more.

Finally, after about half an hour they made it to the door. Sighing, Link unlocked the heart-shaped lock. "Please don't tell me I'm going to be scarred by bestial romance following this boss fight…"

Yela plodded into the room and over to the mirror piece.

"So pretty…" She murmured as she stared at her reflection in the mirror. "So pretty…"

Then her eyes took on an evil glint as she whirled around to face Link.

"NOT TAKE MIRROR!" With a screech (and some oddly placed crappy music) she turned into a demonic ball of ice that started bearing down on Link.

Link gaped. "Holy ****! Why the hell did it take so long for you to get up the goddamn ramp?"

17. Think about that statement for a minute

"Hero? Did you hear what I said?"

Link had just suffered through Zant's entire back story. He nodded.

"Let me get this straight; You wanted to be a king, but you couldn't be. So you went out and started banging your head on the balcony?"

"Well that's not really how…"

"And then a massive flaming face appeared and locked itself away in you?"

"Well…"

"You really need to lay off the crack."

18. Distractions

"Hey Midna, look at this!" Link was happily slashing his way through the grass. "Did you know that you can get _money _like this?"

"Link, the princess needs to be rescued…"

"I mean, do people really waste their time _working_ for this stuff?"

"Link, Ganondorf has taken over Hyrule castle, we need to go!"

"And people say money doesn't grow on trees? Well, it certainly falls out of them if you kill all the birds in the trees."

Midna groaned.

19. Hidden Village

"This is really lame." Link groaned as he shot down yet another moblins archer. "Why does this feel like a wild west ghost town?"

"Link, Hyrule doesn't have a wild west." Midna grumbled, trying to keep the sand out of her eyes.

Link shot another moblins. "Just one more left…"

"YEE-HAW!" A moblin leapt through the door. "I'm gonna light this here place up like an ol' stick o' dynomaht!"

Link groaned, knocking another arrow. "See what I mean?"

20. Random references.

Zelda's eyes snapped open and she blasted Midna out of the throne room. With a cry, Link raced after her, only to be blocked by a yellow wall of light. Turning around, he raised his sword threateningly at the advancing Zelda.

"Did you truly think to match yourself up against the master of light and shadow?" She hissed.

Link backed away slowly.

"Is it that time of the month already?" He asked nervously.

**A/N Okay, so that wasn't as short as I thought it would be. I'm just going to stop it at that. I think I'll just continue tormenting you with author's notes.**

**If anyone noticed how lame some of these were, it's because NONE OF YOU ARE REVIEWING WITH IDEAS! I swear, the next person who sends me a goddamn 'haha, so funny' review, I am going to FLAME you. And possess your soul…for a whole six seconds. Seriously though, I need good feedback. Once I see the humor in a situation, I can usually put it into words, so I just need a simple 'Hey, didn't it seem kinda ridiculous that…' You fill in the blanks. All must be from Twilight Princess; I haven't played any of the other games all the way through.**

**Also, if any of you liked this, I have a fic called Ganon's Dilemma. Honestly, I'm more proud of that one than I am with this. Please read it. I'm considering dropping the project in favor of something more popular…**

**I'm planning on taking requests for fics. I'll be posting the guidelines for such requests on my profile, so make sure to check on it.**


	3. Chapter 3

LoZ Snapshots

Chapter 3

21. Pretty lights…

Link breathed a sigh of relief as he stepped out of the south gate, grateful to be free of the hustle and bustle of Castle Town. The sun was setting, but people were _still_ running around.

As the last rays of sunset faded, Link leaned against the wall. He saw a pretty blue lantern floating around.

"That's nice…" He sighed. "Someone to light my way…"

_Wham_! Link was nocked off his feet.

"Who?" He rose to his feet, looking around. He pushed the lantern out of the way. "What was that?" The lantern jerked back at him.

_Wham!_ Once again he was on the ground.

"What the hell?" The lantern approached him again.

Then it dawned on him…

_Wham!_

"Goddammit, the lantern won't stop attacking me!"

22. Sixth Sense-inspired by Ifritdemon666

"Oh, what's that?" Midna said as they approached a ball of green fire floating in the air. "Maybe you should use your senses and try looking around."

Link turned on his night scope. Then he howled as he buried his face under his paws.

Midna cocked her head at him. "What's wrong."

"I see dead people!"

23. 49

Link peered down at the last room. "Just one more to go…"

Just two Ironknuckles; nothing he couldn't handle.

With a loud yell, he leapt down into the room.

He rolled as he hit the ground, coming up into a back strike on one of the 'knucks. Then he saw the room.

"Wait, there's THREE of them? But I'm all out of fairies!"

Five minutes of intense fighting had Link cornered, cowering behind his shield.

"Damn it! You're telling me I came all this way for nothing?"

One strike and it was over.

"Fuck you, Nintendo." Were Link's last words.

24. Hot Spring Water

Balancing the huge barrel of water on his head, Link sprinted across Hyrule field. Before long, a bird attacked him, knocking the barrel out of his hands. After skewering the bird, Link looked forlornly at the steaming pieces of wood on the ground in front of him. With a sigh, he turned back.

Again he raced through the field, this time avoiding the birds. Again the barrel of water flew out of his hands during the onslaught of a bokoblin. Again, Link turned back.

With a whoop, Link _finally _succeeded on the third try. Angrily he hurled the barrel at the reclining Goron on the bridge.

"There! Are you happy?"

"Ah…ah…you missed…"

Link burst into tears.

25. Hawkeye

Finally, after using half-a-dozen arrows, Link hit the stupid pole. Putting the Hawkeye away, he turned to Talo.

"There!"

Talo looked at him skeptically. "Anyone can hit it with the Hawkeye. Hit it with just your own skills and maybe I'll give you something nice."

Link groaned as he nocked another arrow. "This had better be a _really_ good prize."

Thirty arrows later. "You know what? I think this is just a scam to make me buy more arrows!"

Sixty arrows later. "I hit it!"

"Sorry, I didn't see it that time. Can you do it again?"

26. Howling Stone

"Link! Would you PLEASE stop that infernal noise!" Midna was curled up as far away from Link as she could be.

For a few seconds, Link stopped howling long enough to look at Midna.

"Just one more try! I'm sure I'll get it right this time…" And with that, he recommenced howling.

"For Goddesses sake!" Midna cried. "How can you screw up so badly when the song only has _three_ pitches?"

27. Nice Doggie-inspired by Ifritdemon666…I think.

"Nice doggie…" Link eyed the golden wolf nervously. The wolf readied itself to pounce. Link drew his sword and fell into a fighting stance.

But before he could react, the wolf lunged at him.

He was lying on his back in a very cloudy place.

"Is this…heaven? Am I dead?" He sat up.

"Wow…heaven kinda sucks…"

28. The Great Spin

**A/N I'm not sure if I've done this one yet…**

The Hero's Spirit stood before Link for the seventh time.

"You have mastered all of the Hidden Skills but one. This, my final skill, is the greatest of them all. It can only be used when all of your heart containers are full. It is called…" Here he paused for theatricality. Link waited with bated breath; this was the summit of all his teachings!

"…The Great Spin." The Hero looked at Link, as if expecting awe.

Link was disappointed. "Really? The great spin? You couldn't have at least given it a cooler name? Man, Nintendo is really running out of ideas for this game."

29. Hot Spring Water Revisited

A very irritated Link stood in front of the old Goron.

"Ah…you failed."

"No shit, really?"

"I foresaw that this would happen, so I prepared another batch of hot spring water."

Link groaned. "Can you foresee how it'll turn out this time?"

"The future is shrouded in mystery, young swordsman."

"I think you're just a fluke."

30. The Bug Kingdom

"Quick," Midna whispered. "Let's make a break for it while she's talking to the bug."

Agatha was happily cooing over the ant Link had brought her. "Oh, cute little ladybug!"

Quietly stepping over the other bugs, Link crept for the door. He had just reached it when:

"I know you have a bug…"

That stopped Link in his tracks. "How do you know that?"

**A/N Thanks to everyone who reviewed:) Except Captain Germany, whose soul has now been taken. 1…2…3…4…5…6…okay you can have your soul back. And next time review with some ideas or at least constructive criticism.**

**I might be able to get chapter 4 out by tomorrow, but otherwise just assume that there will be no updates for a week and a half or so. I have family visiting, so my availability is about next to nothing.**

**Special thanks to Ifritdemon666, who reviewed with like, TEN ideas. **

**I'm out.**


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